How sad. Every day more and worse. Among the other three days that I feel White ... but where? It's gone well ... you are just anxious these days ... I think I'll shoot a quick shot ... but because, really, I can die a quick death? Why suffer so? Only to discover that he does not want me anymore? I'm afraid I do not want more, do not miss these days leave room for other people.
other people. I found myself talking with a friend for hours. I almost thought to please him, and that I liked. Not so. It is I, and he, too, we are two pieces by foot at this moment: tossed in indecision of another person. A person to talk to, that makes us feel good and we leverage our state of loneliness seems almost fresh mountain air. Because when you are sick you just want to look a bit 'of happiness.
And I would ask from Mariano, if I want to give a bit 'of happiness. Indeed, I ask him every night before bed, my thoughts, in the movies of my mind (the hamster is hyperactive in this period). I ask when I opened the door to the White House, as I did with him a month ago. I ask when it comes to a bouquet of flowers to apologize for having betrayed and beg my forgiveness. I ask this already when we got back together and make love. I ask every happy ending I guess. Then I
I panicked: what if there was not a happy ending? For example, if I get to Dublin, I saw him at the airport, it is not already white to expect, but came later, with all other friends, like a friend like many others ... I do not stand up, take my stuff and I would go to the pub till dinner would not end. I do not think being able to stay in the same room with him without knowing what he thinks, but even if he had a clear idea and leave me forever. I do not think it would be big enough even the same city.
I thought I'd run away. I thought I would leave my life. So if you take it anyway. I thought that if he would get back with me I would flee to Australia. I leave all my friends. So now that his friends are mine. Because he is a social type, who knows how to maintain relationships with people. I do not. I do when my social life does not go in myself and I shut myself away in my solitude. Or run away. Go away. Groundhog Day. I restarted many times, how will it once more?
So I'm not going to stop. I do not have reason. If I do not stop I'll never find a reason, but what can I do? I am traveling. And as long as someone does not change me, until someone tells me "now stay here with me," I will continue to be the journey. I will continue to seek the unknown, to bring out the void that's inside me. It is a search for a fill. If there is a person to fill it, that emptiness, I will fill a lot of people, places, adventures, stories, words.
I know I've already told you, but I would stop with Mariano. And again I want more. Alone again. Groundhog me.
Last night at dinner with my friends I started to joke with the waiter, that if I drank would have offered to take me home. Then we tried to convince him to take home with Helen, but at first he wanted to take home with me. Also because of five girls only remembered my name. It was not a bad type. But what can I do if I'm still waiting for my heart be freed? O held captive? Or just to know that be? Why do I live on the sly?
is true that I told him to take as long as you want, but I'm bad .... Just as I was considering these days ... which were my biggest mistakes. The worst: being so selfish by doing so come to Dublin before my departure. He should expect in Venice. Maybe a little ' depressed, but I'd come back now, he would have nothing to reproach myself, for leaving him alone in times of need, it would not need, not what they had in Ireland, and now we can start together. Instead I've done nothing to stop it, I left to come. And I have a little 'conviction. Everything to spend a month with him before I left. To have him and the trip. To get all the happiness rather than just a bit '. But I'm wrong, I figured really bad. My fault my selfishness led me to ruin.
not fret my love: my fault. And they will pay the consequences. You lose, lose my friends, I will lose my life, I will lose hope to be able to stop one day. I will continue to wander around looking for something that I can find, and wander, wander, aimless, as it once was. Thanks for the fragrant brackets you gave me, for the dreams that I could do with you and you do not ever come true. At least now I know what I lost in my wandering. Before at least I had the benefit of the doubt. I never thought someone could make me happy, so happy being alone was just fine as an alternative. But now I remembered what it means to be loved by someone. And I know what I miss.
That is just a bit 'pessimism premenstrual or a really bad feeling that tells me that you're not coming anymore?
By the way, last Saturday I went out with Alex. And other friends / Mariano. At one point we started making jokes about the waiters, is a waitress with bunny ears and the cute waiter twenties. And the fact that Ali and Anthony are engaged. Antonio scolded me: "but we're the only boyfriends here" looking suspicious. I shook my head several times. No more. The news was official. And he said of other bad things that night. I had been seduced and abandoned because it convinced her to stay in Dublin for a person who then left me no matter where I was. Seeing the house of Mariano because I'd been to see her. And other things. I have no right to say these bad things. Admittedly, I was hurt, but I have no right, says White, of stripping it. Never forgive me. It will do well. I'm not a person deserving. I do not deserve anything. If you do not continue to wander in search of something that never meet.
Basically I just wanted a bit 'of happiness ...
0 comments:
Post a Comment